What do I really do here?

This I wrote in November, but I never sent it. I decided to make it a post. I would give it the date circa November 15.

What do I really do here?

I ask myself this as I get up in the morning, open my Bible, and turn to the place I left off the night before. What is it that I’m doing to make a difference? I ask myself this as I help Lauriann serve milk and rice and bread in the morning. Really, what am I doing here? I ask myself this as I listen to the kids argue and fight all afternoon. God, why am I here right now? Shouldn’t I be doing something more important?

We listen to sermons on the computer, sometimes several times a week, after our day is done and the childcare responsibilities are in someone else’s hands. As the speaker describes the difficult-to-understand passages in Daniel and Revelation, the Bible becomes a living movie, but more interesting and spectacular than any movie I’ve ever seen. Caught up in the big picture, I look down at my little life here in a back corner of a forgotten country and wonder, shouldn’t I be out there?

Then, I remember. I am “out there.” So why does it feel like I’m still waiting to be somewhere else?

But I always want to be somewhere else. Finishing my nursing degree, I want to be anywhere but in school. I want to be in the front lines, talking about Jesus, sharing the gospel with people who are hungry to hear it. I want to go so bad it hurts. But I can’t. Not yet.

Working at the hospital, wiping bottoms and starting IVs (or trying to). I want to be somewhere else, anywhere else, doing something really big for God. But I can’t. Not yet.

Finally, I think I’ve gotten my big break. I go to Honduras. I’m a real missionary. But I get stuck at a high school teaching two hundred forty kids a subject they don’t want to learn. In my free time, I baby sit forty-five of the world’s most difficult kids.

So, when do I get to start being a missionary? I ask God. I have 98 Great Controversies waiting to go out. I have over 200 Steps to Christ. I’m sitting on resources here.

So often I feel like I’m doing nothing but just waiting. Waiting for school to start again. Waiting to go home again. Waiting to meet that special someone. Waiting for that perfect job that I love with all my heart. Waiting for this or that bad character trait to finally go. Waiting for Jesus to come . . .

Oh Lord, how long . . . how long until things start happening? I pray this and wait for the answer.

Then I wonder. Maybe it is the times when nothing is happening that the most happens.

Think about it. How do you develop a good character? A good character partly comes from making good habits. How do you form good habits? By doing those menial, boring, irritating tasks that just have to be done over and over. By choosing to do something the right way and not the half-hearted way until you just naturally do everything the best you can. How long does that take? A day? A month? A lifetime? How do you form a relationship with God? Is it something that happens in a week, a summer, a month? You can start a relationship with God in that time. But to really know someone takes years of daily talking, daily spending time, daily working together. But I want it all now, God.

And God says to my impatient, headstrong spirit, “How do you become trust-worthy in big things? By being trustworthy in the little things.”

Ugh. No God. Please, can’t you just give me a big thing and be done with it?

No.

You need to get up every morning and have time with Me, even if you’re tired and don’t feel like it. You need to help Lauriann serve the potatoes. You need to take care of the kids, even when they’re bratty and nasty. You need to make lesson plans—and do it well, the way you know you should. You need to do all of these things to the best of your ability, even though they don’t seem to matter, even though you’re more interested in the big picture than the details. Because I am in the details, those little things you tend to ignore and despise. If you were where I am, you would see that these details together form the big picture that you’re so interested in. You said you want to follow me. I’ve led you here. Now, do your duty, child.

I’m waiting right now to go to the cafeteria to serve supper. After that, I need to write an exam for Thursday. After that, I need to take care of Yeny’s wounds like I do every night. Then, I get to spend some time studying my Bible. Then, I’ll take the lice out of my hair (hopefully not find many). Then, bed.

And tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do my job again.